Heart felt Pain
by file- DS
Summary: He loves her. It's not something he can question, he's sure of it. She loves him. She argues against it. She hates it. But she loves him. But they both know the bonds between people can hurt. A lot. So how can they be accept it? Oldrival.
1. Green

**Here's something that's been ticking around in my mind for a while now, and I really wanted to get it out.**

**Hobby ho…**

He loved her. It wasn't difficult to admit. He loved her, and he knew it better than he knew the sky and stars he stared at as he thought about it. He knew it better than he knew the pebbles that dug into his back as he lay on the top of mount moon. He knew it better than he knew himself. He loved her, and he knew it, and he wished he didn't.

Her blue eyes, filled with glee and passion. Her brunette locks, which tickled his neck when she ran by close, very close. And her soft lips, which he'd kissed at least a thousand times… within his dreams.

But to be with her… to have human connection to her, it was a wonderful fantasy. And fantasy it would always remain. Forever, he'd be subjected to dreams that he could be with her. And false hope to be broken by the sting of the morning sun.

And if just a dream hurt that much to be broken, what could real life feel like? To have that connection for real, and to have it broken, hacked to pieces, heartstring by heartstring, until they were broken apart forever. Would he be able to take it?

He could stop any fear of losing her by leaving now. Forgetting everything about her, and keeping his distance. Maybe meet up with other dex-holders now and again, but make an excuse if she wanted to see him. But he wouldn't be able to hold out like that. He need that glance at her face, those words exchange with her, even if only once in a while.

He thought of the other connections he had. His grandfather, the famous Oak. He was important, but could Green live without him in his life? Yes. He spent years trying to separate himself from the name 'Oak', and the following it gave him. Each time he snapped at someone for referring to him as 'the prodigy grandson of professor Oak' it hurt. Hurt to ignore that bond to his grandfather. But he could do it, time and time again.

Red, his best friend. He would miss Red. He had relied on him before, and struggled without him. That bond meant a lot. But could he survive if he broke it? Yes. He had lived without him before, and he could do it again.

But Blue. He'd distanced himself from her before, and although those times hurt, he could do it. And he had lived without out her before, but could he do it again? No.

He needed her in his life; that was final. And to admit his feelings… to be with her… it was a fantastic fantasy still, but it would end eventually, and he couldn't take that. So he needed to keep things as they are. Not a single thing could change between them, not in the slightest.

He allowed himself to close his eyes, drift into another one of those fantasies he relied on.

He was alone, standing on a dock, at the edge of a lake. The water was dark, pitch black, and went on farther than he could see. He tried to step away, but couldn't move his feet, no matter how hard he tried. They were nailed down with the same chains that wrapped his heart, and held it down.

He looked around to find a small rock, just in his reach, and he scooped it up. It pulled itself to his heart, and he held it against his chest, feeling its warm surface. And it started to beat in perfect sync with his own heartbeat.

He let himself feel the warmth of anther human heartbeat flow through him, happily taking in every second of it. Finally the stone released itself from his grasp, and floated over the lake. A light shone brightly, blinding Green for just a second, and once it was gone, so was the stone. Now Blue floated in its place, smiling at him from above the water, as beautiful as ever.

He smiled back. Not just a smile, he was beaming with delight. This was his dream, to have her with him. It was all he wanted, and it made him happier than anything else in his life.

And then she fell. Dropped from her heavenly, invisible perch; into the dark lake below, sending ripples that felt like tsunamis in all directions. And as she was freed and dropped into the despair, so was he. His feet were unbound, and he could turn around and run, leave this lake and the fear it brought to him. But that never crossed his mind. He dove right into the dark waters.

Swimming as fast as he could, he searched for her, desperate to find and save her. Pushing the tar like liquid away, only to have more instantly replace it. After a minute he surfaced for a breath of air, his last breath of air, and he saw her. She was on the shore. She'd found her own way to safety, and now walked away from the lake, from him, her back turned.

He swam desperately through the ice chilling waters to reach her, but they grew thicker with every stroke. He soon felt as if he swam through concrete. And the more he struggled, the harder the waters pulled, bringing him down to their infinite depths. Until he grew tired. All his energy wasted in a fruitless attempt to save someone already lost to him. And he couldn't fight it any longer. He gave in and let the lake take him, put him out of his misery with quiet insanity. And he was forever to drown in the depths of his own soul.

He woke from his nightmare to the usual sting of the morning sun. But this time, there was something else, a voice. Her voice!

"Green! Hey Green!", she shouted as she floated in from above on her jigglypuff. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you".

Green fought his tired muscles and forced himself to his feet, keeping composure. "What's going on?"

"Red and Gold are about to have a battle. Gold thinks he can finally beat Red", she announced excitedly, "But I don't think he has a chance. So come on".

Green just shrugged, "Red will win. Gold is going to rush his offence and not think things through". He pulled a pokeball off his belt, "Don't bother me with pointless information again". He released his Charizard from the ball, and hopped on its back.

"Aww, don't be such a spoil sport Green. Are you upset or something? Will a kiss cheer you up?" She jumped on the fire pokémon's back leaned toward Green, lips pursed teasingly.

Green blocked her with his hand and grabbed her arm, gently tugging her off his pokémon. "Annoying woman", he muttered, and then took to the skies, hoping to fly

as far from her as he could stand.

**This turned out… nice. I'm actually pretty happy, which is especially weird because my headphones just broke, and thing in general are… not great… So for me to still be a little happy, must mean this helped **

**And so we go…**


	2. Blue

**Here something… well, pretty sad. Approach with caution.**

**Hobby ho,**

Her heart beat in unison with the pounding rain droplets on the roof, faster than she wanted. The knife she held in her hand stung as if she were gripping the blade of it. Tears and blood formed steady streams down her dress and legs, as they dropped from her eyes and wrist. A lucid red pool of the two had already begun to fill, flowing through the space in between the tiles of the bathroom floor like aqua ducts.

"Aqua ducts", she said to herself, leaning on a wall for support, "Why the hell am I thinking of aqua ducts?" She began to giggle at the stupid idea. "Why? What the hell does it have to do with anything!" slowly her giggles grew to laughter. "It's so pointless! It means nothing! None of this does!" She threw the knife she was holding to the mirror, shattering it, and let the glass fly, some hitting her and leaving small cuts when it did. And she went silent again. 'What's going on?' she asked herself, with no one around to answer.

She slowly slumped to the ground, placing her left hand over her right wrist in an attempt to stop the blood. It didn't help. She reached out and grabbed some toilet paper, and wrapped it around her wristed over and over until the red stopped showing.

'Why do I have to feel this way? Why do I have to-' She caught herself off thinking it, 'No! no, that's not it! I don't feel like this!' she prayed, 'I don't need this. I get by fine, and there's nothing to make me want to be with-', she stopped herself again. "I don't need love".

But each word was like a rusted nail to her heart. And she felt the pain. She welcomed it. To feel anything but her emotions.

'You love him though', a voice in her head was persistent, 'you love him. You love how you feel when he holds you. You love when he looks at you. You love anything he does, as long as he recognizes you'. The voice echoed over and over, the same words every time.

"Shut up!" Blue shouted to the world, to the voice, "You're wrong! I don't lo"- She couldn't say it. "I don't…" she struggled. "I don't love…" her voice was weaker than it had ever been. "I don't love him, and I don't want to!" she forced out every last word, spitting up blood and hatred.

'You lie', voice echoed again. Blue clasped her hands over her ears to block it out, but the words continued to echo, 'You lie. You lie. You lie'. She grabbed headphones that lay on the floor next to her, and turned the volume to full. But the voice was still louder and clearer than anything, 'You lie. You lie. You lie!'

She threw away the head phones and reached for her last option, the knife. It still sparkled, with blood, like a sword with power to banish evil. She gripped it in her right hand, and placed it to her left wrist. Holding it as steady as she could manage.

The voice continued, 'You lie, You lie, You lie'. She pressed the knife down gently. 'You lie and you love him'. "So fucking what if I love him!" she pulled the knife across her vein, cutting it open and releasing the blood. Silencing the voice. For now.

"I love him…" she said, "but why do I have to? Why can't I choose to not love him?" Her tears began to drop, stinging, as they mixed with the fresh blood. "Why him? Why at all? Why?" her questions weren't to be answered, if only in life they were heard.

"I don't want to love", she told herself. "I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to lose. I don't want to regret, or remember. I don't want to care, or to miss. I don't want to hope for anything different. And I hardly want to live". She promised herself all these things. "But my heart ignores orders. I love without my own consent. I want to stop it".

She reached out to grab more toilet paper, and wrapped around her left wrist. "He hates me" she convinced herself. "Everyone else, he's at least is friends with, but me. I'm just that 'pesky girl', that 'annoying woman'. He won't even refer to me by my name!" she let her face drop in her arms; tears flowing like waterfalls, waterfalls that flow into a river. A river whose rapids would throw her to the rocks without question.

"Why do I have to love him?" she focused to find an answer "Why do I have to love him", she repeated the question again, then again, and then again. "Shut up!" she told herself. 'Why can't I think? My mind's just looping around. Why can I find an answer?' she got enraged as she tried and failed to simply think.

'He ignores me, doesn't care about me". Her tears slowed. "And maybe I could not love him". But the pain returned. 'How can I not love him?' she asked herself, only to find the same problem, stuck in a looping thought. "Damn it, why!" she shouted to herself.

Her phone rang, and she tenderly grabbed it from the floor, careful not to stress her cuts. "Hey", she was back to her usual composure, at least her voice. "Hey Blue", it was Crystal on the other end, "Red and Gold are about to battle here in Cerulean, so I thought you'd want to watch". "Sure", Blue said, cheery as ever. "Oh, also, Green's not answering his phone from some reason. Red said he was going off to Mount Moon, so could you tell him on your way?" Blue hesitated for a second, but answered again, "Yeah, no problem".

She pulled off the toilet paper from her wrists and threw on a long sleeve jacket to cover the cuts.

She flew over to munt moon with her jigglypuff, noticing the morning sun rising. It didn't take long to reach the mountain, and once she did it was easy to spot Green. He was asleep, just waking up, on the top of it.

"Green! Hey Green", she shouted to him, "Red and Gold are about to have a battle. Gold thinks he can finally beat Red", she announced as excitedly as she could, "But I don't think he has a chance. So come on".

She watched Green shrug, "Red will win. Gold is going to rush his offence and not think things through". He pulled a pokeball off his belt, "Don't bother me with pointless information again". She held back the urge to yell, and the urge to cry.

Green released his Charizard from its pokeball. "Aww, don't be such a spoil sport Green. Are you upset or something? Will a kiss cheer you up?" it was the voice speaking now, not her. She jumped on the fire pokémon's back leaned toward Green, lips pursed teasingly. 'If he kisses me, I run and cry far away. If he doesn't I cry as soon as he leaves', she thought.

Green blocked her with his hand and grabbed her arm, gently tugging her off his pokémon. "Annoying woman", he muttered, and flew off.

She watched him go, and once he was gone she fell to the rough stone ground, and let her tears flow. 'Why do I have to love him?' she thought.

'Because you don't want to', the voice returned.

**This was originally going to be two separate one shots, not even the same universe, but I got the idea of this final scene, and decided to go through with it.**

**I'm not sure how this went. I liked writing it, but as a whole, it's hard for me to judge. It's a little sadder then what I was going for, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Please, leave a review.**

**And so we go…**


	3. Coping, or just trying?

_Here we go, one more chapter, then I'm stopping this._

_Hobby ho,_

She finally stopped the tears. He'd pushed away her kiss. He didn't care about her, and tossed her love away, like it was meaningless. He wouldn't care for her. So who would?

She climbed back on her jigglypuff, and floated to wherever the world took her. As she waited for something to happen, she thought. She thought in circles which teased and confused her. 'I can't love him', she began lying to herself again. 'It hurts me. Why would my heart want to cause me pain?' she asked, to no avail. 'It hurts me to love him, but now I'm leaving him. So why am I in pain now?' She was alone. 'I feel lonely, now I want to be with someone else'.

She looked down to the world below her. "It looks like I'm over Goldenrod", she observed. "There are always tons of people there".

She dropped down to the streets, and returned her pokemon. And she strolled through the streets, waiting for what she wanted. She didn't have to wait long.

"Hey", a boy who she walked by said, "aren't you that Blue girl?" She looked at him carefully. He wasn't bad looking, tall, tan. His dark brown hair stopped a few inches above his shoulders. He was a fairly average guy.

"Why yes, I am", she smiled innocently, masking her feelings, worried if she let them show she'd scare him away. "And your name is?"

"Trent. I've heard about you and some other people saved Jotho and few years ago. It was all over the papers".

"Oh, well Trent, do you have any plans tonight?" she asked him slyly.

"Umm, no, I was just on my way home".

"Perfect, because I would be honoured if a man like you", she winked at that, "would like to take poor me out on a date".

"Oh, I'd love to".

"Perfect," Blue grabbed his hand, and wrapped it around her waist, pulling him in close, "let's go catch a movie".

Green had flown away from her, away from his chance at love. And now only one thing filled his mind, one question he repeated over and over. 'What if I'd kissed her?' He knew the realistic answer, 'We'd both get hurt eventually', but he wanted to dream.

"Charizard, descend onto those mountains", he commanded his pokemon. Charizard obeyed, and Green jumped off, and returned it. He pulled out his pokégear and realized he'd landed on Mount Silver.

He found a spot where the rocks were soft and flat, and lay down, making himself comfortable to stare at the night stars as they came into view, and dreamed. As he closed his eyes to reality, he recalled the scene just hours ago, and recreated it. He was just at the point where he had told her Gold wouldn't win.

"_Aww, don't be such a spoil sport Green. Are you upset or something? Will a kiss cheer you up?" She jumped on the fire pokémon's back leaned toward Green, lips pursed teasingly. _

_He might hesitate for a second, but then go for it. He'd press his lips against hers as in so many other dreams he had. "Blue", he would begin, "I want you to know, I love you. I love you more than I can say"._

"_Green", she would say back, "I've loved you too. I do love you too"._

_And she would pull as close as she could to him. He'd wrap an arm around her. And if everything was just right, they'd stare into each other's eyes, only closing them when they would kiss again._

_And the days would continue in this perfect world. Even Red and Yellow would be jealous of how close they were, how perfect they were. Green would ignore trainers who came to his gym just to spend more time with her. She would stop flirting with other guys, and only care for him. And their hearts would never be broken. _

That was Green's fantasy.

Blue smiled gleefully, as her date wrapped his arm around her. 'He cares for me', she thought, 'I mean something to him'.

She lifted her hand to his shoulder, and she turned to him. She looked him in the eyes, staring at him as if she actually cared about him, like he actually meant something to her, and she pulled him closer for a kiss. An open, loving, caring, fake kiss.

The movie ended and Trent escorted her outside. "It was fun being with you," he told her. "I hope we can do it again". He was quite a gentleman, but Blue didn't care. She felt like he was going to leave her soon, and if he did she'd be right back to where she started; alone.

"Don't leave just yet", she found an edge of desperation in her voice, "I mean, why leave? I'm kinda thirsty; could we go back to your place for some coffee?" She twirled her hair as flirtatiously as she could.

"Uhh, sure", Trent stammered with the slightest bit of nerves.

He guided her to his home, not far north of the magnet rail, and invited her in.

"Nice house", she commented as she walked into the living room. "Could I have a tour?"

"Yeah, of course", the boy said. "Well, this is the living room, the one room I ever bother to clean in case guests come by".

Blue pretended to laugh at the joke, but really, she didn't care. "What's upstairs?" she asked.

"Oh, just regular stuff like bedroom, washroom, there's a laundry room".

"Well why don't we check it out", she offered, already halfway up the stairs, swinging her hips seductively as she walked. The boy followed, bewitched by her.

They reached the second floor and Blue walked into the first room she saw with a bed. "So, is this the master bedroom?" she asked to her host who was still just reaching the top of the stairs. The room was a bit of a mess with dirty clothes scattered about and the blanket a mess.

"Uh, yeah". His face took on a red tint. "Sorry about the mess and all, I was going to clean it yesterday". He walked in the room and passed Blue to start kicking some old clothes off to the side, and straightening out the bed blanket. "but you know how it is"- He bit his tongue he turned back to see to find she'd already dropped her dress to the floor, tossed her jacket away, and stood in front of him in her underwear.

"Don't worry about that, I'm fine in a bed without a blanket". And she walked over to him, swinging her hips, pushed him onto the bed and…

Green still lay on the top of Mount Silver, creating the world in his mind. Years had gone by in it, and now he was at his adult life.

"_I do", she'd say, her deep blue eyes sparkling with love as they stood at the altar._

"_I do", he would say, holding her hands so tightly a hurricane couldn't separate them._

_They'd honey moon in a beach resort somewhere in Sinnoh, where they could spend two weeks on the beach all day, and be together in the nights. And they'd live in happiness the rest of their lives._

"_Good morning love", she'd say in the morning when he came down for breakfast, "Did you sleep well?"_

"_I think you know how I slept", he'd joke, before walking across the kitchen to greet their two children. Their oldest, Melody, would be just like her mother, a free spirit who loved to smile; and her younger brother, Sage, a smart kid, a front runner for the Kanto junior science award._

"_Good morning to you two", he'd hug them._

"_Good morning dad", they'd say._

_And they'd eat breakfast. Blue would leave first to as she was the CEO of some big new fashion agency. Green would watch morning cartoons with the kids before walking them to school._

_They live in Celadon City because it was convenient for Blue's work, and he'd fly to the Indigo Plateau to take up his role as champion. But he'd be back by six to be with them again._

_On weekends they could go to the depths of the Hoenn Ocean, or deep into Johto's Dark Cave. _

_Each summer would be a new adventure, and each winter would be more quiet nights by the fire._

_And they would be together for the rest of their lives._

"Hmm, that was fun", Blue said, collapsing next to Trent on the bed. "I think I may like you", she managed to say in-between breathes as she traced her finger around his bare chest.

"Ha, well thanks then" He put one arm under her head, and wrapped it around her. "Do you still want that coffee?"

Blue felt comfort with his hand around her, she felt happy. When she was with him she was happy because she felt needed, at least physically. "Ha", she laughed, "sorry, I've gotta go home. But maybe I'll see you again soon".

She climbed out of the bed and found her clothes scattered through the room. She greeted Trent goodbye with a kiss. And she left him; flying back to her home.

'Why'd I leave him', she thought. 'I could have stayed the night. I could have stay and been with him. I could have stayed and been happy. So why do I want to leave?' she asked herself.

'Because you know that was nothing but shallow joy', the voice spoke again. 'It is just another way for you to forget about me. Hurting yourself, and sleeping with strangers. What's next? Doing drugs?'

Blue couldn't think now; couldn't argue with the voice. She just wanted it gone.

'And now you hate me', the voice teased, 'you hate what you know. You still love him, why won't you accept that?'

"I don't love him! I can't love him!"

'You love him, and until you admit it you'll be sad'. The voice crackled with laughter. 'Until you stop all this, you'll hate yourself'. The laughter grew to roaring applause. 'You're just killing yourself'.

Green opened his eyes. His fantasy, his perfect world complete. And he was back in reality, where none of that meant anything. Where none of it mattered. His fantasy was just an extension of his reality, and now that it was over, he was back in the real world.

He wanted to be with her again, even if it was only in his mind, so he closed his eyes again, hoping for a new perfect world. But it never came. He had some ideas, but each felt like a pale imitation. And none mattered. None of what brought him happiness mattered.

He got up, trying to figure something out; trying to get his mind off it. But he couldn't forget. It made him enraged. He lifted his fist and found a rock, and he began to punch it as hard as he could, over and over again. Trying to stop thinking about any of it. Trying to get rid of the pain.

He punched the rock over and over, until his fist bled, and his eye spawned tears. But it wouldn't help. Once his hand was coated crimson with blood, he gave up. He sat down and leaned against that same rock. And he looked to the stars. And among the stars there was something he didn't expect to see. A jigglypuff floating overhead. Blue's jigglypuff. And over the edge of it, he could see her, staring down at him as he stared up at her. And subtly, so subtly she couldn't have noticed, he blew a kiss toward her. And a rain drop in the clear night came from where she was, and landed right above his heart. And she continued to float away.

Blue floated through the skies, still arguing with voice. The words it told her made her feel sick, as if she needed to throw up. So she looked over the side of her pokemon, in case. And when she looked over the side, she saw him. He was lying on top of Mount Silver, staring up at her. And she could see his eyes, and the voice just stopped, cut off. And she let a single tear flow gently down her cheek. And let it fall towards him. And she flew away again. And the voice came back, 'Did you miss me?'

And once in a while Green will stand at the top of Mount Silver, find the longest fall he can, and stand at its edge for hours, staring into its depths…

And once in a while Blue sits on her floor, holding a knife in one hand, and Trent's phone number in the other…

_Well this is proof I should never watch 'The End of Evangelion' half a dozen time in a weekend. This was originally going to be a one-shot, and then it became a two-shot. Well, hopefully I can leave it at this. It's proved to be a tough fic for me, and that's what I love about it. Although, at times it was really hard to keep going, I hope it's alright. I just wanted to say that._


End file.
